A midlife coming-of-age story. You'll laugh, you'll cry. You'll quit your job and buy an RV. At Amazon.com.
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Review of Home by Marilynne Robinson

Home by Marilynne Robinson
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I loved Gilead by Marilynne Robinson so much. The review is here: http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/....

But with Home, I had a different experience. I wasn't compelled through most of the book. At about the three-quarter mark, things started to happen and I felt my interest quicken. But here's a summary of my impressions, and my apologies to those who loved it so much they recommended it to me:

1. I was disappointed to see this other, peevish, nasty side of Rev. Ames.
2. I didn't like the Rev. Boughton very much at all.
3. Jack is tedious and pathetic.
4. Glory almost breaks free but then doesn't.

Robinson really makes me wait for it, building my conflict between compassion and resentment for Jack. And just when I lose faith in him, there's a scene where the old misogynist/bigot Rev. Boughton asks to see Jack and his brother together in his room, and Jack insists Glory be included. As if he sees her as an equal to the men, rather than just the servant her father expects.

In this, I felt Jack himself was a Rorschach test for the reader, in that while he seems almost feral, a man born without skin with which to hide himself from the world, easily wounded and always untrusting, you want to abandon him, but can you? If so, who are you? What are your values - what are your limits?

So now Glory has decided to stop being codependent with her "fiancé", and switch her ministrations and self-sacrifice to her dying father and her feral brother. This is an arc? This is growth? What is Robinson's meaning, at the end of the story, when Glory decides to stay in a town she has said she hates, in a house she agrees to preserve as a monument/mausoleum to the family? It can only be read as failure to respect oneself in favor of service to others! This troubles me deeply.

I apologize for the length of this next excerpt, but I have to reproduce it, because it's so telling:

"(Glory) had tried to take care of (Jack), to help him, and from time to time he had let her believe she did. That old habit of hers, of making a kind of happiness for herself out of the thought that she could be his rescuer, when there was seldom much reason to believe that rescue would have any particular attraction for him. That old illusion that she could help her father with the grief Jack caused, the grief Jack was, when it was as far beyond her power to soothe or mitigate as the betrayal of Judas Iscariot. She had been alone with her parents when Jack left, and she had been alone with her father when he returned. There was a symmetry in that that might have seemed like design to her and beguiled her with the implication that their fates were indeed intertwined. Or returning herself to that silent house might simply have returned her to a s state of mind more appropriate to her adolescence. A lonely schoolgirl at thirty-eight. Now, there was a painful thought.

"She recalled certain moments in which she could see that Jack had withdrawn from her and was looking through or beyond her, making some new appraisal of her trustworthiness, perhaps, or her usefulness, or simply and abruptly losing interest in her together with whatever else happened just then...She found no consistency in these moments, nothing she could interpret. He was himself. That is what their father had always said, and by it he had meant that Jack was jostled along in the stream of (the family's) vigor and purpose and their good intentions, their habits and certitudes, and was never really a part of any of it. He had eaten their food and slept beneath their roof, wearing the clothes and speaking the dialect of their slightly self-enamored and distinctly clerical family..."

God! Who hasn't known people like this - men like this, children like this - who take and take and take from an ever-hopeful spouse or family and yet never seem quite able to be satisfied, or fulfilled, or happy! When all the sacrificial loving family member ever wants is for that feral person to be happy. Or at least safe.

Like I said, Rorschach.

And in this, I have to admit, Robinson delivers again, most profoundly, in pulling back the curtains and showing us, right down to the faint beat of a pulse along a pale wrist, the impact on a family of such a lone wolf. Not that the wolf doesn't suffer. Not that we don't all feel empathy as we struggle to surface from this mire, gulping and gasping air, sorry for Glory who remains below, yet intent on saving ourselves.

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Review of The Beginner’s Goodbye by Anne Tyler

The Beginner's Goodbye by Anne Tyler
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

After reading some of the reviews, I felt a bit off-kilter, as if I'm seeing something that wasn't intended by the author.

Nevertheless, here's my impression: this story is about a man who, because of his physical limitations, resists closeness with other people, to the point that he marries a woman who seems certain to want the same, arm's length relationship. It's only after she dies that he begins to sense that he was wrong about that. During the grieving process, he comes to realize he's been living an arm's-length life.

I love stories about people who come out of a fog and change their lives, empowered by the realization that they've been missing something important - that their reasoning was flawed, but it doesn't have to remain that way. And Anne Tyler is such a great wordsmith, anything she writes is wonderful. This book is perhaps a bit too subtle to win the raving applause it deserves.

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Review of Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg

Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

As I read Lean In, I was intrigued at being able to get inside the head of a dynamic, smart woman who is one generation younger than me, and see the corporate world through her eyes. One of the cultural questions she answered for me was this: why are younger women so averse to the terms "feminist" and "feminism"? Apparently, Sheryl Sandberg and her contemporaries believe(d) the following:

1. Equality having arrived, there's no need for feminism anymore
2. Feminists are man-haters who resist makeup and the shaving of one's legs

Okay, #2 was a bit tongue-in-cheek. However, having observed conditions in the real world for a few years now, Sandberg has come to see that the playing field is not and will not be level until more women occupy positions of power in the corporate hierarchy. She doesn't suggest that this is due to any malicious intent on the part of men, but rather it's simply a matter of ignorance.

To illustrate, she describes having to park far away from her office door when hugely and uncomfortably pregnant. When she designated preferred parking spots to accommodate pregnant workers, no one complained. It was seen as logical. But prior to her taking her place in the C-suite, the issue hadn't been raised.

Sandberg talks about not slowing down out of consideration for what might happen in the nebulous future. The example she gives, now famous, is of a young woman confiding her fears of not wanting to accept a job with a lot of responsibility due to the impact it might have on her family. The woman was planning ahead - she didn't even have a boyfriend yet.

With this example, Sandberg makes the point that women, having been highly trained and educated, are waving off promotional opportunities. The jury is still out as to why, but she suggests, and I agree, that part of the reason is this: in corporate America, a woman's decision to go through pregnancy, childbirth, lactation, and child-rearing is viewed as a private matter that should not impact her ability to work long hours and irregular schedules, including lengthy and frequent travel as needed. Rightly fearing this may drive her insane, a woman who wants a family may leap off the corporate ladder at a very early stage.

Sandberg argues that if a young woman stayed on it long enough to secure a more powerful position, she would be able to exert more control over her work life (a perspective the young woman must trust will happen, since at her current low place on the corporate ladder she can only see her lack of power and control.) After a few promotions, she will be able to delegate some of her work to subordinates, afford more help at home, and influence workplace policies that unfairly impact women and families. Who can find fault with this argument?

Sandberg is honest about her own mistakes, and I found that charming. For example, I was amazed that, for all her intelligence and education, she didn't originally intend to negotiate her starting salary with Facebook. Luckily a nice man (her husband) set her straight, and she made a counter offer to Zuckerberg. Reams of guidance have been written about how this error could have impeded her in later years, both at Facebook and with future employers, yet she didn't know. For other women who have not yet made this horrifying discovery, please read Ask for It by Babcock and Laschever (http://www.amazon.com/Ask-Women-Power...) which in addition to being enlightening and entertaining, offers tons of strategies for preparing yourself to negotiate. And not just for salaries. After reading that book I saved $150 on furniture I was going to buy anyway, by asking one question.

But back to Lean In.

I was also surprised that she wasn't well informed about how women can sabotage other women in the workplace, particularly women in power. This is an unfortunate truth with roots in biology, and is brilliantly explained in the amazing book, In the Company of Women by Heim and Murphy (http://www.amazon.com/Company-Women-I...) which I reviewed here:
http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/... This also suggests the reasons Sandberg was hit with such a backlash for the well-intentioned Lean In.

There is so much more to say about Lean In, but let me close with this: I enjoyed learning how this stellar corporate executive struggled, made mistakes, and ultimately learned some strategies that will enable her, her family, and the women (and men) in her corporation to thrive. It's not perfect, and sometimes it's not even pretty, but part of the lesson is to let go of the need for perfection.

The other message, younger women, is to get as far and as fast as you can before starting your families. Don't opt out just because it looks too hard from where you're sitting now. The view improves with each rung on the ladder.

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Big Changes Ahead!

I never had the privilege of being a stay-at-home mom. Years ago, I went back to work when my son was four weeks old. Luckily, my mom offered to babysit him. Every morning, my husband dropped Danny off before work, and picked him up each night.

Well, now I’m the grandma, and I’m returning the favor. Tomorrow, I’ll report for duty at their house at 6:30 a.m. I’ll finish up at 3:30 p.m. This will cut into my writing and networking time quite significantly, don’t you think?

But I want to be mindful, and enjoy Ella’s company. I want to learn what makes her smile, and help her little brain catch fire! So I am cutting back on a lot of what normally fills my day. I am lucky that my husband is such a great team member – if not for his support (actually, I’d go farther: his encouragement), I couldn’t have agreed to do this.

I’m retired, but now I’m going back to the days when I only went to the gym in the evenings, or golf on the weekends. Adjustments will be made. I’ll still meet my goals as described in the last post, and we’ll all compare notes on March 31.

But I am SO excited! Ella is my priority, and everything else will get done somehow. I have a suspicion that my life is about to become more pure, more focused, and more beautiful.

I’ll keep you posted.

16 Comments

by Lynne Spreen on January 9, 2011 • Permalink

Posted in Boomers/Aging

Posted by Lynne Spreen on January 9, 2011

https://lynnespreen.wordpress.com/2011/01/09/big-changes-ahead/

16 Comments

Rebecca Rasmussen
/ January 9, 2011

Oh Honey I love this story — Have a wonderful time with Ella and remember you can always vent, too, the way you probably did as the mother. Like…I’m so so so tired, please, Ella, won’t you nap! 🙂
xoxoxo me

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penwomenps
/ January 9, 2011

Enjoy these precious moments you’ll share with Ella … you’ll always have a special bond with her.

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Marina DelVecchio
/ January 9, 2011

And you’ll probably appreciate Ella more because you are her grandma. I love the “make her brain catch fire” line. Enjoy your time with her.

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Java
/ January 9, 2011

What your children don’t know is that they have given birth to your new best friend(s). Enjoy it Lynne – I do. I’ve been on winter break for the past three weeks and you’ve guessed it, spending a good portion of my time with my granddaughter and grandson. I’ve taught them how to ‘Walk Like An Egyptian’, the fine art of cookie decorating while eating the cookies and sitting on the bed with Nana and Papa having pizza for breakfast is alright.

My grandchildren keep me young and vibrant – I love seeing and learning things through their eyes.

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Rae
/ January 10, 2011

What a beautiful name! ~ and a beautiful baby!!

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Kathleen Pooler
/ January 10, 2011

What a beautiful story,Lynne. One never sees the world in the same way again after holding a grandchild. How can you go wrong when your priorities are so clear and you are surrounded by so much love and “pinkness” 🙂 Yes,it will be a challenge to recalibrate and balance it all but it is a challenge anyway. Just think of all the great writing that will come from being surrounded by all that richness. I can’t wait to hear the stories!

Blessings~
Kathy

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Debbie
/ January 10, 2011

What a fabulous opportunity you (and Ella!) have, Lynne! My parents were very much hands-on with my son, and all are richer for it. Yes, there will be challenges; yes, there will be frustrations. But you have a new source to mine for story ideas and posts! Your time for the “fun” things of retirement will be limited, but hey — watching that little girl grow and having a part in making her world secure and interesting sound like a pretty good trade-off!

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Lynne Spreen
/ January 10, 2011

You guys, it’s the end of day one and I am exhausted but so happy! Amy (my daughter-in-law) got home just in time for the late-afternoon feeding, which was so great, because she cried when she left this morning, and a couple times during the day while at work. So to be able to arrive home and reconnect with Ella, I mean, I will fall asleep thinking about how cool that was.

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krpooler
/ January 10, 2011

Sweet dreams,Lynne!

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WorkingBoomer
/ January 12, 2011

Great post Lynn. You are doing the right thing. Enjoy the grandchildren!

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Pamela Hanks
/ January 12, 2011

Best to you Lynn, sounds wonderful. We’re missing you in writing group.
Pamela

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Linda Ditmore
/ January 12, 2011

Lynne your new adventure sounds wonderful. I know you will treasure it forever. I miss you greatly. Hugs to you and Bill.
Linda

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Vonnie Kennedy
/ January 15, 2011

How fun for you, proud Gramma!

Reply
ashley
/ January 16, 2011

How awesome….

Reply
- Lynne Spreen
  / January 16, 2011
  
  Thanks, Ashley. Stop by again soon!
  
  Reply
Madeleine Kolb
/ January 18, 2011

Lynne, It does sound exhausting but wonderful. Somewhere I read that a woman was describing how much she enjoyed time with her grandchildren and said, “If I’d only known it was this much fun, I’d have skipped having children and just had the grandchildren.”
Madeleine

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